Is it ok to feel a disconnect?

[StarshipCommander]

Hey everyone.
Odd topic maybe and I am not used to reaching out into the community for anything; especially this. I feel like my wife (23F) and I (27M) have a disconnect. She has known I have a bondage fetish for about 6 years, back when we met, and she has always been ok with it. I am not hardcore BDSM or anything but I am well rooted into it.
I want to respect the walls of our marriage, protect the love we share, but I feel left empty at times when she isn’t into being tied up or when she makes it almost a problem for her.
I came to find out that she has two friends, (22F) who I would say are attractive, that are interested in bondage as well. Due to my belief in monogamy and the live I have for my wife I could never act on this knowledge in any way, even just talking to them about it.
I guess I just want my wife to be into this too, and to no longer feel like this part of me is stranded.
Any advice, or personal anecdotes that could help?

I would ask that the community not suggest any kind of open relationship or personal pass.

[illest]

That's a tough one, especially since I share a similar situation. My wife knows 96% of the kinks I'm into and supports them but doesn't care to participate in them herself. Her sex drive in general is not there; like I feel we have totally different views on it. Like she only wants to do anything at all if it brings the possibility of her being pregnant. Which irks me because I just want to have fun while we can, before we get old and ugly and it ceases to be fun . I'm like you and outside of this hurdle I feel like our relationship is borderline perfect, but considering how big bondage and non-vanilla sex is for my enjoyment I consider it a pretty big hurdle. I also feel like a lot of my crossdressing fetish is partly due to this. I want to see a hot girl tied up and squirming but since my wife won't entertain me and I don't want to cheat I find myself becoming said "hot girl" when she's not home

[Flyingvulture]

Well, first of all, you have to open up to her about your desires and how much you *NEED* them. Not want, not wish, but actually NEED them.

And I say need, because (IMHO) it has to be that important for your mind or body for you to bring it to the dialogue table.

My own example is that, I'm in an relationship for 9 years and when I hit 35 I was very clear to her, I NEED to have bondage in my life, it has been one of my goals since I was a teenager. And to make story short, she agreed to allow me to have such sessions outside our relationship with a few rules (no lip-kissing, condom always on, not bringing anyone home). Conversely, she also has fantasies that I can't fulfill and she has the same rules and allowances I have.

It isn't perfect but it's a great start, I'm lucky to have her as partner, instead of having another one who would just say no to everything.

[cellofello]

Which irks me because I just want to have fun while we can, before we get old and ugly and it ceases to be fun .

70-year-old here. 68-year-old partner who even when younger would have been called ugly by many. It still hasn't ceased to be fun.

[illest]

Which irks me because I just want to have fun while we can, before we get old and ugly and it ceases to be fun .

70-year-old here. 68-year-old partner who even when younger would have been called ugly by many. It still hasn't ceased to be fun.

My apologies . I'm 42 myself and I feel myself becoming really self conscious, especially working in an environment where most of my coworkers are in their 20s and I feel my hair thinning out. Which ironically may be another perk of crossdressing. I feel like a wig and makeup lets me turn back the hands of time. My only problem is I'm a straight crossdresser so while it's fun to post pics and attract guys I strangely want to attract dominant women as well

[Amberbound]

My example probably isn’t the best just because my husband has come to appreciate bondage a bit more over time, but given the choice he's still relatively vanilla. The stories I share are generally exceptions, not the rule.

With this in mind, I really didnt understand for a long time how normal bondage actually is. Even with my mom and I, and my friend, enjoying it throughout my life. For a long time, I was convinced that I was going to have to accept that I was going to have to do things on my own, and whatever partner I had wouldn’t want anything to do with it.

I was incredibly lucky, but it did come from explaining that it’s something I’m going to enjoy regardless, and that I wanted him to be part of it, even if he really didn’t have any background in it himself. Over time hes come to at least appreciate why I enjoy it, to some extent.

I’m sure you’ve communicated this with your wife, and at this point it’s almost cliche, but explaining exactly what you feel does wonders. I used to be so embarrassed asking for bondage stuff, now it’s normal. And of course, making sure to ask what she wants just as often, since you obviously don’t want this to be one sided

I hope it works out!

[TacticalBeard]

I know exactly how you feel. My wife and I are the same way, she’s supportive but not into being tied up. She’ll suggest I tie her up, but then when it comes time to actually play she have caveats like only wrists, can she be lying on the bed, etc and generally passive.
We’re happily married with 2 kids now and I wouldn’t change it for anything and also would never (outside of fantasizing) want to be outside our marriage. For me it comes it comes in waves. For months I’ll be fine and then suddenly I’ll feel like I’m not being fulfilled in my desire for bondage. Some of my tips are:

Be open and talk about it. Even if you don’t come to a real solution, expressing it does help. She’s never told me if any of her friends are into bondage, but I’ve even expressed I’ve had fantasies about non-sexually tying up her older sister. It was awkward, but I felt better after and our relationship gets stronger when we trust each other more.

Experiment with other variations to find out what you like and works for her. We’ve found success in separating tying up and roleplay. I’ll do a photo shoot where I tie her up, take some pictures, and then we’re over quickly. For roleplay we’ll do a home invasion and I’ll pretend to tie her up. I’ve found this can actually be more fun, since you can focus on the game and not the logistics.

Try writing. I have some stories that I’ve never shared, but even just writing them can help.

Video games. There are some decent bondage video games out there, and I actually find this a really fun analogue instead of going outside the marriage, while still feeling more interactive.

AI Chatbots. The wife and I talked about this one first, but we agreed we both understand it’s essentially interactive fiction and it’s fine if we are explicit with AI. I’ve found this is a great way to experiment with all the wild and crazy fantasies and find out which ones you actually enjoy, and which lose their appeal immediately after exploring them.

Keep us updated! You’re not alone, and anything you learn could help others too!

[illest]

I know exactly how you feel. My wife and I are the same way, she’s supportive but not into being tied up. She’ll suggest I tie her up, but then when it comes time to actually play she have caveats like only wrists, can she be lying on the bed, etc and generally passive.
We’re happily married with 2 kids now and I wouldn’t change it for anything and also would never (outside of fantasizing) want to be outside our marriage. For me it comes it comes in waves. For months I’ll be fine and then suddenly I’ll feel like I’m not being fulfilled in my desire for bondage. Some of my tips are:

Be open and talk about it. Even if you don’t come to a real solution, expressing it does help. She’s never told me if any of her friends are into bondage, but I’ve even expressed I’ve had fantasies about non-sexually tying up her older sister. It was awkward, but I felt better after and our relationship gets stronger when we trust each other more.

Experiment with other variations to find out what you like and works for her. We’ve found success in separating tying up and roleplay. I’ll do a photo shoot where I tie her up, take some pictures, and then we’re over quickly. For roleplay we’ll do a home invasion and I’ll pretend to tie her up. I’ve found this can actually be more fun, since you can focus on the game and not the logistics.

Try writing. I have some stories that I’ve never shared, but even just writing them can help.

Video games. There are some decent bondage video games out there, and I actually find this a really fun analogue instead of going outside the marriage, while still feeling more interactive.

AI Chatbots. The wife and I talked about this one first, but we agreed we both understand it’s essentially interactive fiction and it’s fine if we are explicit with AI. I’ve found this is a great way to experiment with all the wild and crazy fantasies and find out which ones you actually enjoy, and which lose their appeal immediately after exploring them.

Keep us updated! You’re not alone, and anything you learn could help others too!

I'll especially cosign on videogames. I spend a lot of time playing games related to femdom and bondage. If only I could find more catered to my crossdressing bondage fetish, ah well .

Mainly I've been hooked on this one called Bondage Arena. I'm not going to pretend this is a complete unbiased opinion as I've been crazy active on the Discord and in addition to creating music for several teams also have submitted many ideas/suggestions that wound up in the game (certain punishment animations, bondage furniture, tie up posituons and gag types). Especially with how robust the character creation has become and the FPS ragdoll design (think Mount and Blade: Bondage Edition) it's honestly my favorite game in years. Yes that includes both fetish and mainstream. I've been legit hooked on it, and especially since the most recent updates giving me leeway to create almost anyone I want(I've created hella bondage models, dominatrixes and fighting game chicks) I've sunk a ridiculous amount of hours in it.

[Mumblestilskin]

It's ok to feel a disconnect, but are you okay with your situation never changing? Your partner may never feel the same way you do about bondage.

I'm in a similar boat. My wife has no interest in bondage and has a low sex drive. I still love and care for her, but there are times I wish we didn't have this disconnect.

I get by with help from forums and subreddits like this. I also explore AI art which helps satisfy my needs.

[StarshipCommander]

I’m sure you’ve communicated this with your wife, and at this point it’s almost cliche, but explaining exactly what you feel does wonders. I used to be so embarrassed asking for bondage stuff, now it’s normal. And of course, making sure to ask what she wants just as often, since you obviously don’t want this to be one sided

If you were to advise me, given your own personal interests in bondage, how should I relay to her why a woman would enjoy it?
She is wonderful and helpful and understanding and we have clear boundaries and communication, I just don’t know what to tell her to help her see the female view as a sub I guess.

[StarshipCommander]

Be open and talk about it. Even if you don’t come to a real solution, expressing it does help. She’s never told me if any of her friends are into bondage, but I’ve even expressed I’ve had fantasies about non-sexually tying up her older sister. It was awkward, but I felt better after and our relationship gets stronger when we trust each other more.

I appreciate your take and similar situation.
As for what you said about discussing the fantasies about your wife’s older sister, I have one time discussed my desire to tie up my wife’s best friend. My wife has a close group of girl friends and I know she told them about the fact that I tie her up. Two of her friends are really attractive, but what made me want to tie them up more was that they knew this part of me existed. I explained this to my wife and she felt hurt but was understanding.

[Amberbound]

If you were to advise me, given your own personal interests in bondage, how should I relay to her why a woman would enjoy it?
She is wonderful and helpful and understanding and we have clear boundaries and communication, I just don’t know what to tell her to help her see the female view as a sub I guess.

The unfortunate fact of the matter is that when it comes to kinks, they're not really something you can explain why you should enjoy them. Telling my husband that it’s fun and exciting to have total control over me while I’m tied up didn't magically change his opinion on the subject over night. It took time to find his own way to enjoy it, which mostly focuses on the fact that he’s getting to spend time with me and helping me enjoy myself.

Having said that, I enjoy it because I enjoy the sense of giving up control. Having times where I have no influence at all on the situation happening to me is exciting (That definitely only feels good because I also know I’m safe though). If she’s not into that feeling of submission, then my experience isn’t going to feel the same as she will, as much as I really wish I could tell you what to say for her to perfectly understand how I feel.

[StarshipCommander]

If you were to advise me, given your own personal interests in bondage, how should I relay to her why a woman would enjoy it?
She is wonderful and helpful and understanding and we have clear boundaries and communication, I just don’t know what to tell her to help her see the female view as a sub I guess.

The unfortunate fact of the matter is that when it comes to kinks, they're not really something you can explain why you should enjoy them. Telling my husband that it’s fun and exciting to have total control over me while I’m tied up didn't magically change his opinion on the subject over night. It took time to find his own way to enjoy it, which mostly focuses on the fact that he’s getting to spend time with me and helping me enjoy myself.

Having said that, I enjoy it because I enjoy the sense of giving up control. Having times where I have no influence at all on the situation happening to me is exciting (That definitely only feels good because I also know I’m safe though). If she’s not into that feeling of submission, then my experience isn’t going to feel the same as she will, as much as I really wish I could tell you what to say for her to perfectly understand how I feel.

I appreciate your honesty and I’m grateful you at least tried to help.
The thing is, I feel I have tried everything to get her to enjoy it on her own, as an experience, and it doesn’t work. She’s ok with it but that’s as good as it gets.

Thank you though for your help and I hope your husband grows in his own personal self interest in the bondage world as well.