Hostageadvisor.com MMM/ F
Posted: Mon May 06, 2019 9:04 am
Recently i was (un)fortunate enough to spend a night in Crowley Arms.
Here is my review:
The location leaves a great deal to be desired, unless you are an intravenous drug user or wish to take up heroin as a hobby. Firmly ensconced in the 'body-bag' district on the Lower East Side of the docks, it had a smell that suggested that an aged swamp monster had recently expired on the premises.
From my short stay it was immediately apparent that the hotel attracts the kind of people you would gladly cross the street to avoid.
It was never made clear if the decision to hire a workforce consisting exclusively of convicted felons was an unfortunate series of mistakes, or part of an inclusive hiring policy. I sincerely hope it was the later.
When my blindfold was (finally) removed I was faced with a foyer that had remained unchanged/ untouched since the last (Boer) war. There I was greeted by a wizened, hunch back male answering to the name "Old Man" Smithers. When I met him he was busy chain smoking beneath a non smoking sign. He told me he appreciated the "ironing".
After conducting a quick search of my person I was bundled into the lift.
Its no exaggeration to say I’ve seen suicide attempts with less health and safety violations.
My advice - take the stairs.
Rather optimistically, it advises a four person occupancy, but God help you if any of your party had enjoyed a heavy lunch.
Which brings me to the subject of food.
For my, one meal I was offered a large piece of drywall mascaraing as a cheese sandwich. Suffice to say, one bite was quite enough. No joke, my gag tasted better (and almost certainly contained fewer carbs) Although, little tip, don't pass these comments on to the chef. He threatened to hog tie me and shove an apple in my mouth.
Still, at least the staff were generous enough to offer me the choice of where I wanted to spend the night - although the options were painfully limited.
Since the bed appeared to be sprouting mushrooms and still contained the chalk outline of a body I decided that the high backed wooden chair was the safest option.
Disappointingly they insisted on tying my hands and feet with thick (read: itchy) hessian rope - rather than the silk scarves I had suggested. Likewise they ignored my pleas to use a freshly laundered handkerchief to gag me - instead stuffing my mouth with an old dish rag.
That said, in a rate moment of kindness my kidnapers agreed to leave the TV on for the night - but sadly they failed to locate the remote control so I was forced to endure a six hour NCIS marathon only ending when I was eventually released by the authorities
Suffice to say, I have no plans to revisit this establishment
I give the Crawley arms 1 chainsaw (out of 7) purely because the Fireman who rescued me was super hot!
If any one wishes to add their own reviews (from the perspective of either the kidnaper or kidnapee) then I would be delighted to read them. Likewise, if anyone has any suggestions as to any other holiday (sic!) destinations I could review then please, get in touch.
Here is my review:
The location leaves a great deal to be desired, unless you are an intravenous drug user or wish to take up heroin as a hobby. Firmly ensconced in the 'body-bag' district on the Lower East Side of the docks, it had a smell that suggested that an aged swamp monster had recently expired on the premises.
From my short stay it was immediately apparent that the hotel attracts the kind of people you would gladly cross the street to avoid.
It was never made clear if the decision to hire a workforce consisting exclusively of convicted felons was an unfortunate series of mistakes, or part of an inclusive hiring policy. I sincerely hope it was the later.
When my blindfold was (finally) removed I was faced with a foyer that had remained unchanged/ untouched since the last (Boer) war. There I was greeted by a wizened, hunch back male answering to the name "Old Man" Smithers. When I met him he was busy chain smoking beneath a non smoking sign. He told me he appreciated the "ironing".
After conducting a quick search of my person I was bundled into the lift.
Its no exaggeration to say I’ve seen suicide attempts with less health and safety violations.
My advice - take the stairs.
Rather optimistically, it advises a four person occupancy, but God help you if any of your party had enjoyed a heavy lunch.
Which brings me to the subject of food.
For my, one meal I was offered a large piece of drywall mascaraing as a cheese sandwich. Suffice to say, one bite was quite enough. No joke, my gag tasted better (and almost certainly contained fewer carbs) Although, little tip, don't pass these comments on to the chef. He threatened to hog tie me and shove an apple in my mouth.
Still, at least the staff were generous enough to offer me the choice of where I wanted to spend the night - although the options were painfully limited.
Since the bed appeared to be sprouting mushrooms and still contained the chalk outline of a body I decided that the high backed wooden chair was the safest option.
Disappointingly they insisted on tying my hands and feet with thick (read: itchy) hessian rope - rather than the silk scarves I had suggested. Likewise they ignored my pleas to use a freshly laundered handkerchief to gag me - instead stuffing my mouth with an old dish rag.
That said, in a rate moment of kindness my kidnapers agreed to leave the TV on for the night - but sadly they failed to locate the remote control so I was forced to endure a six hour NCIS marathon only ending when I was eventually released by the authorities
Suffice to say, I have no plans to revisit this establishment
I give the Crawley arms 1 chainsaw (out of 7) purely because the Fireman who rescued me was super hot!
If any one wishes to add their own reviews (from the perspective of either the kidnaper or kidnapee) then I would be delighted to read them. Likewise, if anyone has any suggestions as to any other holiday (sic!) destinations I could review then please, get in touch.
Tripadvisor totally different