Let me ask you all something? You ever been fucked over by your own insecurities? ‘Cause let me tell ya, for a minute there I sure bloody was.
But more on that later, eh?
In our separate cars, Ryan and I pulled up to his house, a nice enough two-story place in the Alice suburbs. Not too fancy but not an old-looking pile of crap either. I parked on the street and followed him inside, the place was a bit of a mess, but he apologised and said he hadn’t had a chance to do a proper clean up with all the training clients he was getting that month. I said it was fine, my place rarely looks any better.
He offered me a drink, so I had a glass of water, fuck knows I needed one, it was especially hot that day, and not just because of the sun if you know what I mean...
We were both keen as hell, so the second I downed my water, I followed him upstairs. Climbing the steps, he reached over and took my hand, smiling that perfect smile.
Now, keep in mind, I was still processing a lot of shit in my head at this point, yes I did want to do this, but I still had an entire childhood of brainwashing to get over... I’d enjoyed it when he brushed my leg in the restaurant, but that still got me kinda nervous.
And so, as soon as his hand clasped mine I panicked a little and pulled it away. He stopped in his tracks halfway up the staircase and looked at me, concerned.
“Is everything okay Jack?â€
“Yeah, yeah it’s fine†I lied “Sorry, I’m just nervous, you know, first time haha†I forced out a super-anxious laugh.
“Okay...†Ryan hesitated, he could see clear as day I was struggling with this.
To show him that he wasn’t the problem, I plucked up the courage to make the move myself and place my hand in his. I smiled at him and he smiled back, that did help ease my nerves if only for a second, it felt real nice.
Come on Jack, I thought, you’ve put yourself through so much to get here, don’t fuck it up now!
We held each other firmly as he led me into his bedroom, inside was a big double bed with white pillows and a blue doonah, with white sheets underneath.
“Make yourself comfortable then†he winked at me, and to put myself at ease I forced a smile and winked back. But as I took off my thongs and sat on the side of his bed, I realised I was in full panic mode. This was happening, it was really happening...
Was this a good idea? Did I really want this? Well, yeah, but also no. What if I did like it? Then what? What if I hated it and I upset Ryan, he was such an awesome guy! My mind was racing with these and a million other rapid-fire panic-thoughts, and though I tried to hide it, it was so fucking obvious.
Ryan had gone into his walk-in wardrobe and come out with a big overnight bag in each hand that had all his bondage goodies in them. One look at me freaking out and he set them down at the foot of the bed, sitting down next to me, he put his hand on my back reassuringly.
“Jack, listen, we don’t have to do this...†he began, but that got my bondage-loving brain to panic so I immediately responded with:
“No! No! It’s ok, I wanna do this. Like I said I’m just a little nervous, it’ll pass.â€
“Alright, but look if you wanna stop at any point just say so, okay?â€
Fuck, this guy was amazing, I really didn’t deserve him.
I calmed down a bit as he showed me all his toys laid out on the bed. I tell ya what, it was like a bloody armory where they have all the guns arranged in rows of dozens, but instead of guns I was looking at row after row of gags, coils of rope, rolls of tape, vibrators, cock rings, nipple clamps, blindfolds, crops, paddles, and pretty bloody realistic dildos.
Now this part, this I was ok with.
I felt like a kid in a candy shop as I looked at everything Ryan had. I picked plenty of it up and examined it, and doing that, that really got me excited. So with that, he asked me to choose whatever I wanted him to use on me, since we’d agreed I wanted to be tied up first...
I went with a pair of leather cuffs for my hands, some leather straps to go around my legs because I hadn’t frogtied myself in a while. A big black monoglove leather armbinder that I wanted to try out after the cuffs, and for my gag, I just told him to surprise me.
“Nice!†He remarked “Now... do you wanna keep your clothes on, or...?â€
Ah shit, well that threw me out. I always did my self-bondage naked, or at the most in my undies. But I just didn’t know if I was ready to be so exposed yet...
“Umm... how about...†I thought for a bit and decided on a compromise, maybe I could ease into this. “We go shirtless?â€
Ryan smiled at me again, fuck, I did adore that smile. “Shirtless works for me...†And so as he spoke, his singlet was already halfway up his torso. And fuck, me, dead... when he took the whole thing off, I felt a great big rush downstairs like no other.
His body was absolutely perfect, and so it should be for a personal trainer. But to see his glistening, rippling abs, his clean cut pecs, his shaved olive chest and his solid iron arms and shoulders without them being obscured by a shirt. Holy shit... it was making me horny as hell... and again, insecure and anxious.
I took my own singlet off, pulling it over my head, and to my relief, he took one look at me and his eyes went wide as hell with excitement. He exclaimed like Brad Pitt had just entered his bloody room. I felt like that helped, I worked hard to keep strong and look fit, and to know my body appealed to him as well as the many girls I’d dated in the past was a great feeling. That probably sounds vain, but fuck you, I earned this bod.
Anyway, here we were, we’d reached the first truly intimate stage: the tying up.
So, I stood next to the bed with my arms down by my sides, taking a couple deep breaths while Ryan got behind me with the leather cuffs. His powerful hands latched onto my wrists and yanked my hands behind my back, slipping the cuffs on before linking them together, officially beginning my time in bondage for the afternoon.
Ok, I thought, so far I was liking this. After all, if a bit of bondage didn’t make me feel at ease, then I doubt anything bloody could.
“How’s that feel boi?†Ryan asked naughtily.
“Feels good†I turned to face him, smiling through my nerves.
I wriggled my hands a bit, testing the cuffs out. It was great, they were done up tightly so I definitely felt trapped, but thanks to the design, I didn’t feel uncomfortable at all. Not like those steel police-style bastards I had back at home!
Suddenly, Ryan got real close to me and wrapped his arms around me. I seized up for a moment, about to open my mouth to protest, but then he lifted me slightly off the ground and lowered me onto the bed so I didn’t try it myself and trip over or something. Ok, ok, cool fair enough, that was fine. But that had felt kind of... I don’t know, wrong I guess.
Next however, he got me to lay on my back and hold my legs up in the air, kinda like a chicken, so he could frogtie me. I happily obliged, but then then I noticed he had pretty much a perfect view of my arse. He was definitely checking me out, these cargo work shorts weren’t leaving all that much to the imagination with the position I was in...fuck me, I was just too embarrassed to say anything. Besides, part of me, a small, more quiet part, was actually enjoying this, it was just hard to listen to it when another part of me was screaming that this was unnatural and all that shit.
Ryan tightened the leather straps nice and securely around my legs, pinning my hamstring to my calf on each leg. Damn, now THAT felt bloody good. I swung my legs around a bit, trying to open up and stretch my legs but it was impossible, and I loved it. Bondage had such an appeal to me because I loved the sense of helplessness, I enjoyed being restrained and having my movements restricted as much as possible... and there weren’t many things more restrictive than a frogtie.
Ryan watched me the whole time I was bound, and he was so clearly turned on like crazy, seeing my shirtless body rolling around on his bed, bound and at his mercy.
“Mmm... you look incredible boi.†He said before he climbed onto the bed with me, and for the second time, he wrapped his strong, rippling muscle-bound arms around my arms and waist so he could lift me up off my back and onto my knees.
But this time we were face to face, practically touching noses, if we’d been any closer then uh... well, you know. And crazy thing is, though in my mind I was taken aback, my cock got incredibly hard at the thought of doing that with him.
And don’t worry, he fucking noticed.
“Mmm...†he moaned sensually in that deep, perfect voice. “I think you’re enjoying this, aren’t you boi?†His arms still wrapped around me.
“I...uh...†I hesitated, trying my best to block all the doubts swimming through my head, I was thinking too damn much, I just had to feel. “Yeah, I am... master...â€
Holy shit, that... was... hot! I got so hard my cock might as well be classified as a new kind of metal, I was throbbing down there like an adrenaline junkies heart! Calling Ryan my master... bloody hell, I knew for sure I liked that.
“You ready for your gag?†My master asked me. And you better believe I nodded straight away, gags are easily, easily my favourite part of bondage. I can’t really describe it but something about not being able to talk... the look, the feel, the taste, everything about being gagged and seeing gagged people turns me on so bloody hard I couldn’t even bloody well do it justice with words!
Ryan, seeing the excitement in my eyes no doubt, leaped off the bed and grabbed something from his pile of toys.
“Close your eyes boi, no peeking.†He grinned naughtily. So I did, problem was, that got my nerves a little riled up again. Come on Jack, I thought, you ARE enjoying this, stop worrying, feel don’t think, feel don’t think! I felt Ryan sit down on the bed behind me, and for a second I tensed up a little.
“Open wide†Naturally, where gags were involved, I obeyed. I waited for a couple seconds with my mouth hanging open, and soon found my teeth being forced right apart, as far as they could possibly go. I knew that taste, that feeling, it was a pvc ball gag. But I was only half-right, as the ball widened my jaw, my tongue having no choice but to hug the ball tightly, I felt something kind of like leather pressing firmly against my lips, compressing and squeezing them back down completely onto the ball.
It was a panel gag, one of my favourite kinds of gag because of just how effective it was. I’d mentioned this in a throwaway text earlier that morning, but Ryan took notice and picked that for me... fuck, I didn’t deserve that wonderful man...
“Mmmmmmmmmph...â€
Ecstatic at the feeling of being gagged so perfectly, I let out a nice, long, deep moan of pure pleasure. I was loving this. I could hardly deny it. I was letting someone else tie me up for a change, and it was incredible. The bonds were tighter, the sense of helplessness more genuine, and I really felt like I was under Ryan’s control. It was the greatest, most amazing feeling ever...
So yeah, I just had to go and fuck it up didn’t I?
My super-turned-on moan must have been what pushed Ryan over the edge, because from here on in he got real touchy-feely with me.
“Mmm oh fuck, yeah... you like that boi?†He moaned back, pulling my bare upper body close to his. My eyes shot wide open, I hadn’t expected that, but uh, it was... fine. His touch was actually kind of nice this time... I think.
“Mmm-hmmph†I responded, I could hardly lie about liking the gag, my raging boner gave that away, and it kept stiffening still even as he touched me, I just needed to stop feeling so anxious.
Feel don’t think, feel don’t think...
His large, soft, firm Italian hands started caressing my bare body, and I tensed up for a few seconds, I was definitely not used to this. What’s more, I could feel his boner rubbing against my lower back...
“Mmmph! Wmmymmph? Uh hommm mmmph uh lmmmph hmmmph...â€
“Shhh...â€
Ryan clamped his great big hand over my already gagged mouth, he was so, fucking, strong! What the bloody hell was I feeling right now?! His hand gagging made me wanna turn around and... you know. But his other hand caressing my bare, sweaty abs, running up my chest down to my thigh... that really made me anxious, and it didn’t feel right.
“Relax, Jack... shhh... just relax...â€
“Wmmmymmm? Uh wmmmphmm gemmph mmmph!†I tried to talk to him as I got more agitated, his hand was creeping up my thigh, closer and closer to my manhood. I started getting fidgety.
But I think that and my gag talk just turned him on more.
“Mmm fuck... yeah, that’s it boi...†he moaned so excitedly...
And then he grabbed the bulge where my cock was.
“FMMMMPH!!!â€
I couldn’t do it, I absolutely freaked the fuck out. I wrestled myself out of Ryan’s grip like a mad bull, I screamed into my gag... Jesus fucking Christ... this wasn’t what I wanted! I wanted him! Why did it have to be like this?!?!
Because of course it bloody did. Because fuck being able to just be myself. Because fuck dad and all his goddamn years of filling my head with all that homophobic bullshit! Because I finally found someone amazing, someone who gets me, and I can’t fully appreciate it, just because he happens to be a guy!!!
“Oh shit! Oh my god no no no no no I’m sorry! Oh Jack I’m so sorry! I didn’t- fuck I’m sorry I feel so bad! Are you ok?â€
Poor Ryan, I saw in his eyes he was genuinely feeling terrible about pushing me too much too soon. But the truth is, it wasn’t his fault. This was all me and my stupid, bullshit insecurities. All the same, I gave a dejected nod.
“Shit... I... uhh... here, I’ll take this off.†He sat down again in front of my, undoing my gag. I felt so bad for doing this to him, he was just following what felt natural to him, I couldn’t even do that, even though I wanted to so, so badly..
“Are you ok hun?†He asked, sweet, gentle compassion in his tone and in his eyes.
That was it, I couldn’t take it any more, I couldn’t hold it in any longer. The denial, the self-hatred, the awkwardness, the doubting...
The pain.
“FUUCKK!!!!!†I screamed. At myself. At my dad. At this goddamn backwards city. At the fucking world. “FUUUUHUUUUCCKKK!!!!â€
I felt a single tear roll down my cheek as I screamed in pent up agony. But I forced myself, begged myself not to let any more tears out. Men didn’t cry, I couldn’t let Ryan see me cry.
“Jack, Jack! Hey hey hey! Come on, it’s okay, you’re okay...†Ryan tried his best to comfort me, he was so taken aback, but he never got annoyed or angry with me in that moment.
“Nooo, no Ryan I’m not okay...†I whined. I could feel more tears starting to form in my eyes, but I couldn’t cry, not in front of Ryan, I couldn’t do that to myself. Men don’t cry, they don’t, they can’t!
“Jack, I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable... I...â€
“It’s not your fault, Ry... it’s meee... it’s fucking me!!!â€
I was practically howling and wailing, absolutely fucking distraught. I wanted Ryan so bad like I’d never wanted anyone. But I just couldn’t defeat the voice in my head that screamed how wrong it was every time he touched me! The tears were welling up in the lids of my eyes, I was fighting, struggling to hold them back...
“Oh Jack...†Ryan wrapped me up once again in his warm, powerful embrace but this time he did it to comfort me, not feel me up. And my head sank onto his shoulder.
“I can’t do this... I can’t...†I might as well have been sobbing, everything was there but the tears. I felt like a dam that was overflowing m, cracking, getting ready to burst... Men don’t cry, men don’t cry...
Ryan held me for a few seconds more, than released me, and gently lifted my head towards him so our eyes met.
“Why?†He asked, not in spite, he was helping me confront myself. He could have left it at that, but he was there for me. He understood. I truly didn’t deserve this amazing human being.
“Why Jack? Talk to me, tell me what you’re feeling... it’s ok.â€
“I... I...†the dam was cracking, I was about to burst. “I want this, I want it so bad, but I...†I felt sick to my stomach.
“I’m scared.â€
Ryan nodded, he understood, his parents hadn’t been much different, he cupped my cheek in his hand, it was warm, gentle, dare I say loving.
“I know, I know, tell me what you’re scared of Jack, it’s alright...†he spoke so softly, so calm.
“I... I...†I knew the answer, I knew fully well, but saying it aloud was just so hard.
“I’m scared of just... just being me.â€
The look of sympathy, no, empathy in his eyes said it all. He knew, Ryan got me, he understood down to the core, and bless him, he would help me no matter what.
“Jack, listen to me...†he cupped my other cheek in his other hand, and looked me straight in the eye. “You decide how live your life, okay? Not your old man, not anyone in Alice Springs, YOU do, Jack. You.â€
I stared back into his eyes, I was trembling so bad, I was hyperventilating like mad, but I was hanging on his every word, he spoke to my heart, my soul, my very being.
“If you want to just be with girls, be with girls, if you just want guys, be with guys. Hell if you want neither, don’t be with anyone, but Jack, it has to be you that decides. Don’t worry about what your dad told you. Just tell me... what do you want? Don’t think, just say it, what do you want?â€
I gazed at him in a trance, he was so amazing, so handsome... and so right. His words penetrated my defenses, I could feel the walls I’d built up around myself crumbling down. The dam was down to it’s final giant crack, and everything I’d kept hidden from myself and from others was about to flood out. I knew exactly what I wanted, and Dad wasn’t going to keep me from it. Nobody was. I tensed up, my heart was pounding... my voice trembled as I spoke, but holy shit, I said it.
“I want to kiss you.â€
Ryan smiled, and slowly, so did I, the warmth and relief that swept over me was incredible, intoxicating. The flood had begun.
“Then kiss me.†He said.
So I did.
Our lips met for the first time, I kissed a man for the first time, I finally, finally did it. And it was more beautiful and pure than any kiss I’d ever had...
Ryan pulled my head in close, so tenderly, with so much care and affection. We both moaned in pure ecstasy, I’d wanted this for so long, and finally I’d let go. I’d taken the leap of faith.
I was no longer afraid.
As our lips parted, it finally happened. I sobbed loudly and tears started streaming down my face. But these weren’t tears of anger, sadness or pain. They were tears of joy. I cried... and it was wonderful.
“You ok sweetie?†Ryan laughed in ecstasy, starting to cry along with me.
“Yeah... ye-.†I felt incredible, the relief was absolutely overwhelming.
“Thank you... thank you!†I said through my tears.
“That’s ok, haha!†He laughed again with pure joy, happy tears streaming down his face too.
He hugged me, so tightly, with such... such love. And I embraced it, I embraced him...
For the first time in my life, I fully embraced me.
TO BE CONTINUED